Romanticism has conquered the world, and as a result, almost everyone believes that love is the only right foundation for a relationship. We don’t choose a lover based on something as dry as logic or practicality, we let our instincts recognise our lifelong partner.

When we meet the right person, a profound feeling will simply descend upon us and make everything clear, as though an angel has whispered in our hearts. 

Incredibly touching. But in most cases, also extraordinarily disappointing.

When we figure that most people let their intuition guide them in identifying their partner and then tally which couples end up happily staying together, we find that only a bit over half of romantic companions stand behind their union.

That makes our instinct about as meaningful for partner selection as flipping a coin. In other words, our instinct might not be as good of an advisor as we like to think.

And it makes sense. Our instinctive responses have a knack for getting us in trouble. Our hardwiring can make it sound like a good idea to binge watch another episode, compulsively scroll through our phone for new content, or text an ex.

The more we observe our intuition the less it looks like a celestial guide and the more it looks like a buddy who’s had one too many Heinekens.

We, of course, know all this terribly well. But romanticism has convinced us so thoroughly that intense admiration for someone is divine that we don’t question it. Romantic love supersedes all. 

To better be able to resist the pull of our romantic ideas, we need to turn to the past. Because for most of history, people didn’t marry for love. We got together so we could better run our household, to build alliances with powerful families, or to get a larger piece of farmland for our sheep. For millennia, spouses didn’t even expect to love each other, that’s what concubines were for. 

None of these reasons sound very appealing to our modern ears. But neither does letting our gut feeling dictate who will be the mother or father of our children. 

We don’t need to abandon our instincts entirely, we simply need to teach them to be more mature. Just like we don’t let our cravings repeatedly lure us to the cookie jar, we shouldn’t let our impulses guide us to date people who are only cool, sexy and fun. 

Just like our diet, our lover needs more substance to be healthy for us. This means resisting the allure of instant chemistry and more focus on long-term compatibility. 

By recognising the limits of our intuition, we can build relationships that are not only passionate and fun but also enduring and strong.

P.S. Our gut feeling is actually our brain’s way of rapidly analysing a situation or person based on past experiences and information we’ve absorbed over time. So it’s definitely helpful. But it’s also influenced by our current emotions, past trauma, and subconscious biases that may not be relevant to evaluating long-term compatibility. While intuition can alert us to potential red flags or immediate concerns, it often overlooks deeper, more complex factors—like shared values and communication skills—that let us know someone is relationship material. In the long run, relying solely on gut feelings can lead us to overlook the practical aspects that are essential for building a stable and lasting relationship.

Romantic love has been one of our biggest fascinations for centuries, so you’d think we’d have a good understanding of what it is by now. And yet, when we hear people talk about love, we quickly come to see that we’re painfully ignorant.

Because passion is not absolute; the greater majority of partners do not go on ‘until death do us part’. And the love for our significant other is very much not unconditional. 

But we love to pretend that love is all these things, even though we’re painfully aware of its limitations.

We experience it with our parents, whom we often love deeply but not enough to pick up the phone every time they call. We feel it with our children, whom we care for more than anything in the world and yet we find ourselves counting down the minutes until they go to bed. And we, of course, notice it with our partner, who can fill us with rage just by saying something in  the wrong tone.

Our loved ones have a knack for behaving in ways that get on our nerves. If we’re fortunate, that’s as bad as it gets. But when we’re victims of lies, ambivalence, and betrayal, the cut goes deep. 

That’s when the strength of our love is stretched to its limits. Continuing to love someone who has hurt us deeply can feel impossible, especially when they’re also the person who’s supposed to be our greatest ally. 

Now that our world is upside down and nothing makes sense, we start to doubt everything: our partner, our feelings, our choices, and if we’re lucky, unconditional love itself.

Although a noble goal, further reflection suggests that love without boundaries is something only a parent can give to their child. Although needing constant care, a child doesn’t make the large demands we adults do. It doesn’t demand you help with the household chores, it doesn’t demand you attend an office party next Friday, and it doesn’t insist you listen to them vent after a tiring day at work.

Since babies only need the most basic emotional and physical needs, parents can offer their unwavering and self-sacrificial support. But no matter how much we care about our partner, adult relationships can’t be limitless. Our complex emotional needs forbid it.

Adult love requires a balance of give and take, boundaries, and mutual understanding.

Although we might deeply crave parental love from our lover, it’s not something that can be given once we cross the threshold of adulthood. 

Why?

We can’t reasonably expect anyone to cater to our every need. It’s simply too much to ask. Especially when we consider that our partner might be in the mood for completely different things than us. And that’s okay.

As long as our relationship doesn’t have too many ups and downs, unmet needs aren’t necessarily a sign that our relationship is going poorly. They’re a stark reminder that maturity is telling us to take better care of ourselves and to love our partner even when we don’t like every part of them. 

Saying you only love unconditionally sounds nice. But it’s not true. And since it often stands in such sharp contrast to how we really feel, neither is it good for us or the person we care about.

What’s normal and healthy is to occasionally dislike the person we love. It presents an opportunity to get to know ourselves again like when we didn’t have a partner to lean on.

We all understand it’s normal to feel lonely when we’re isolated. But things become confusing when we feel lonely even when we have close relationships with people who care about us. 

What’s going on here?

We might not lack companions, a community, or a romantic partner, yet we’re tortured by feelings of isolation. The very notion that we have someone to hold us tightly makes our feelings all the more confounding. 

The surprising truth is that loneliness is an inescapable part of being a curious and compassionate human. It’s part of our design. 

Since so much of our lives revolve around being part of a community, we keep large chunks of our inner monologues to ourselves. It would be too intense or strange to be of interest. Few would find our rants about our daydreams, insecurities, or cosmic insignificance particularly charming. 

Much of what we need to be seen and noted by others is too alarming to share. So rather than risk rejection and isolation, we only express the parts of ourselves we deem normal. 

Interestingly, many of our concerns aren’t wholly unique to us. We all hide parts of ourselves that go against the status quo. The reason we filter out our peculiarities isn’t that we’re so abnormal in comparison to others, but because sanding off our rough edges is more practical. 

It costs a tremendous among of energy to listen to and understand someone else’s experience. Plus, most people enter conversations to focus on themselves. So it’s difficult to share our abrasive qualities with others successfully. 

Even our closest friends might never truly get us, no matter how hard they try. It’s rare to ever meet someone who thinks and feels on the same wavelength as us. And that shouldn’t be a surprise, we’re a product of different times, parents and life events, and are simply not cut from the same cloth.

That’s why we might be deeply moved by the lyrics of a song, while our partner is only interested in its catchy chorus. We’re just in a different headspace. 

All this means that most of our turmoil is for us alone to endure.

The insurmountable distance between ourselves and others isn’t a mistake of our own creation. It’s a side effect of having a complex mind. 

Luckily, the people around us aren’t our only option to feel understood and seen. We can tap into the minds of people who lived hundreds or even thousands of years ago, if they were so thoughtful to commit their views and feelings into works of art. 

This way we can comfort our sorrow by observing Michelangelo’s Pietà, find the strength to persevere in Homer’s Odyssey, and soothe our anxiety with Claude Debussy’s Clair de Lune. 

Feeling lonely doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s a testament to your sensitivity to the world’s wonders and woes.

When we’re on a date with someone we like, we all want the same thing: to be liked back. This is where the advice gets dicey. Many experts will suggest to look your best, to organise a casual yet thrilling date, and to just be yourself.

While these recommendations are undoubtedly beneficial to making a good first impression, they won’t convince someone we’re relationship material. And that’s what a date is all about. If our intentions are more casual, we’re just two people hanging out as part of a low-stakes courtship.

But if we want to be impressive on a date, we’ve got to show what it takes to be in a long-term relationship. Sure, a medical degree, a good sense of humor, and a meticulously maintained physique are attractive, but they don’t guarantee we’ll be a good companion.

So what does make us incredibly attractive as a mate?

The extent to which we know ourselves. In other words, self-awareness.

No one reasonable is looking for perfection. Everyone with a modicum of maturity understands we’re all flawed. That’s why it’s so appealing when someone can explain and warn us about the ways they can be difficult to be with. Because those who are unaware of their shortcomings will unknowingly behave in ways that will spoil our lives.

Someone who knows about and understands their madness, however, can playfully inform us of their immaturities so that its impact on us won’t be more than a nuisance.

Conversely, if we lightheartedly share our flaws, we should expect our date to meet our confession with compassion. If they’re ready for a relationship, they won’t be surprised to hear we’re a little damaged. After all, we’re all neurotic, broken, and challenging to be with in certain ways. 

Ideally, our date will gently embrace our admission of imperfection because they take it as a sign that we’re ready to see them in their totality too—darkness and all. This is incredibly seductive because what humans crave above all else is to be seen and understood for who we really are. 

Too many of us are familiar with the painful experience of being idealised by a partner, and then being abandoned for revealing something difficult they couldn’t handle.

That’s why it’s crucial we share some of the challenges we’re facing. It’ll quickly reveal if the person we’re with is prepared and equipped to accept more than just our good side. 

But there’s one thing we can’t forget in our search for an emotionally mature partner: we must talk about our faults in an empowering way. Although we’re conscious of our sorrows and pains, we should use this knowledge to become more generous, funny, and interesting people. Only if we handle our weakness well will it become appealing to others.

Nobody likes a sourpuss.

Doing well on a first date has far less to do with being hot, sexy, and funny than we typically think. If it’s real love we’re after, we’re better off playfully yet sincerely sharing some of the ways we’re crazy. Because it’s the ways that couples deal with each other’s imperfections that largely decide whether they’ll be happy (enough) together.

Despite our best efforts, some of us are stuck being single. Either we keep attracting the wrong people or we fail to win over the right ones.

When followed properly, the next tips will make your dating life far more enjoyable and rewarding.

1. Be aware of your narrative. The stories we tell ourselves about our love lives are powerful because they shape our attitudes, behaviors, and ultimately, our outcomes. What story have you been telling yourself? That you’re not good enough and don’t deserve basic kindness or that you’re learning from past experiences and are worthy of love and respect?
2. Express your interest. Someone has to go first and it might as well be you. Of course, you don’t want to enter a one-sided situation, so give interest and warmth, then watch what comes back. If the energy only goes in one direction, take your interest elsewhere.
3. Focus on how they make you feel. Once we like someone, it’s tempting to let a fragment suggest the whole. But we won’t know if they’re good for us unless they consistently show us. Someone hot, funny, smart, and cool can still make us feel confused, anxious, and alone.
4. Express your standards. People won’t know how to make you happy until you tell them. Once you tactfully communicate what you want to see, pay attention to who delivers. 
5. Be the right things. If we want to be seen and accepted for who we are, it helps to be silly, vulnerable, and real first. When we’re focused on being cool and impressive, however, even the most successful and healthy people won’t be able to relax and relate with us. 
6. Be happy enough by yourself. If you love your life, you won’t jump into a relationship unless they’re really special. But if your happiness hinges on having a partner, you’ll drain the fun out of dating and find it hard to let go of someone who’s not right for you. Focus on loving your life and you’ll discover that romantic love is just one of life’s many marvels.

Social media brings us remarkably close together. Most of us are only about five followers away from each other. And the most popular among us are probably already visible on each other’s feeds. 

The curious thing is that much of it is a fantasy. Few of our followers are actually our friend. Rather than looking to support us, the majority of our contacts is seeking to get away from their troubles and find reassurance of their worth. 

It’s not about us, but them. So if we need a small loan or a place to stay for a few nights, few of our following will come to our aid. And the ones that do help will likely be people who we’ve built a connection with that goes far beyond exchanging a few clicks, comments, and heart emojis.

Meeting new people is always important when it’s real and a distraction when it’s fake. Unfortunately, the friendship scoreboard has conned a lot of us into believing it’s worthwhile.

But just because Facebook and Instagram measure our followers, doesn’t mean it’ll translate to anything tangible, such as get-togethers, a community, or companionship. 

Although being popular can make us feel better when our spirits are low, it’s only a temporary fix at best. If we’re regularly unsure if we’re worthy of attention and kindness from those we like, the validation of strangers will do little to change that.

To make matters even worse, their verdict will never be a reliable yes, no matter how hard we try.

Instead of seeking goodwill and sympathy from an online audience, we should focus on nurturing genuine relationships and finding comfort in our own company.

If we spend too much time on social media, we may find ourselves incapable of sitting alone in a room with our thoughts. When never confronted, our regrets, disappointments and worries can be too much to bare.

If even the most wondrous sights, such as a golden sunset or a starry night sky, can’t pull us away from our phones, it’s a strong sign that we’re afraid of the contents of our minds. And that we should spend more time with ourselves.

When our feelings are welcome and our relationships are real, the allure of social media will be a gentle breeze in the distance rather than a whirlwind in our minds. 

Whenever we meet someone we fancy, the biggest question on our minds is if they like us. Depending on our answer, we’ll either open up more or pull away to protect our ego.

This approach is sound but lacks finesse.

Liking someone is rarely a matter of yes or no. Whether we like someone hugely depends on our mood. 

No matter how alluring another person is, we’re not as interested when we’re short on sleep, worried about making rent, or simply a little confused about what we should be doing with our lives.

Most importantly, our feelings towards someone else are chiefly shaped by how we think they feel about us. 

If they make us feel appreciated by greeting us warmly,  asking us questions, and laughing at our jokes, then our feelings for the other person deepen and we feel more comfortable expressing our fondness for them. But if we’re unsure of our place in their mind, we won’t be as drawn to them and feel more hesitant to express any interest we might have.

The trouble with building friendships is that we’re risk averse creatures. Most of us would prefer to sit back and wait for someone else to make the first move, avoiding the harsh reality of being turned down. 

But if none of us have the courage to take an interest in another human being, we’ll never meet anyone new.

The solution in overcoming our fears of rejection rests in an understanding of ourselves. If we study our minds carefully, we’d see that we have an appetite for new kinds of conversation and sources of kindness.

Almost everyone has room in their lives for an attentive and emotionally mature person. 

Knowing that most of us are hungry for a good friend or companion, we can feel far more comfortable being that person for someone else. Because if we do our job with enough sincerity and charm, we’ll often come out of it with a new prospective friend. 

Of course, not everyone will like us. But that’s besides the point. Our goal shouldn’t be to be liked by everyone we meet, but to try and build a genuine connection with anyone who sparks our interest.

When we fear making new friends, we must do our best to remember that it’s not us who are at risk of being rejected. The only thing someone can reject is how we make them feel with our actions and words.

Most of us tend to see arguments as a rather ghastly thing. It’s a little too close to violence. True love, we believe, is about tenderness, not insults and fury. 

And we’re right to be frightful of abuse. But when done right, fiery exchanges have an incredibly powerful ability to bring new life into a wilting relationship.

Even if things are going well now, our connection will almost certainly wither if we feel we’re only supposed to show tenderness to our significant other. 

Because to always be kind means to hide our true feelings.

No matter how good the relationship is, sharing a life with someone will lead to difficult situations that hurt our feelings. Whether it’s when our partner doesn’t remember our special song, when they stay late at the office and make us feel neglected and lonely, or when they speak to us about the groceries in the wrong tone.

What makes this all the more confusing is that tolerance and politeness work in most other situations. Withholding our little upsets and disappointments from friends and colleagues almost never does any lasting damage.

But this approach doesn’t work in our love lives. To bottle up our feelings here will lead to resentment and, eventually, to breaking up.

To keep love alive, we need to occasionally hate each other and express our pain. 

“You never listen to me!” “You’re so self-absorbed!” “How did I ever end up together with someone like you?”

But rather than feeling offended and retreating, our partner will shrug off our outburst and understand that this outpouring of raw emotion is nothing else but a sign that we deeply care for them.

We don’t scream and curse because we hate them. We crucify our partner because we’re so lost on how to make things right that we explode in a helpless rage.

It’s not hate fueling our anger, but fear that we might lose the relationship and person we care about the most. 

It’s similar to how a toddler might behave when daddy accidentally catches Mister Rupert’s teddybear neck in the car door, tearing off its head. The child doesn’t hate daddy, but because he’s unequipped to restore his closest friend to its original, lovely state, he goes berserk.

In sum, fierce arguments and fights are rarely signs that the love is gone. They often mean we’re terrified of losing someone who means the world to us. 

Sometimes venting our hurt in ugly ways can be one of the best things we can do to express our love and desire for change. 

To many, materialist is a bad word. It suggests someone is obsessed with riches and possessions, and is likely quite selfish. They’re not interested in ideas, feelings, or kindness, these affairs belong to the domain of spiritual people. 

At least, that’s what we typically like to tell ourselves nowadays. But there are few of us who fall neatly into one category or the other. 

Most of us like material things and matters of the heart. That’s why we’re often apprehensive when we start wanting a fancy car, a designer handbag, or new sneakers—we’re afraid to seem shallow or greedy.

We prefer it if others see us as thoughtful beings who can enjoy deep conversation and see the meaning in the everyday.

But wanting to own things isn’t anything we should be ashamed of. For starters, money isn’t too shabby at buying happiness. George Carlin was onto something when he said he’d never seen anyone frown on a jet ski.

Plus, buying stuff we don’t need isn’t necessarily without meaning: our possessions can enhance our sense of identity. They can remind us of who we are and who we want to become.

A biker jacket can signify our rebellious personality and prompt us to stand up for ourselves. A first edition of Gabriel García Márquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude shows can express our love for intellectual thought and reading. And a luxury handwatch can denote our fondness for craftsmanship and punctuality, and drive us to pursue financial success.

Sure, we can live without these things, but having them around keeps us in tune with their message.

So if collected with care, our possessions serve the same purpose as the posters in the bedroom of a teenager, they encourage us to become better people. 

Possessions, of course, only play a small part in bettering ourselves. We don’t automatically become confident by putting on black Louboutin pumps or a charcoal-coloured Armani suit. That would be mistaking the signpost for the destination.

Objects are merely an aid in our quest to become our better selves.

To be good materialists, means we’re thoughtful in our choices and mindful of the meanings we attach to our stuff.

But it also means recognizing that while objects can inspire and remind us of our aspirations, true growth comes from within. By integrating meaningful possessions into our lives, we use them as tools to reflect and enhance our personal journeys, not define them.

Our greatest heroes, such as Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, and Immaculée Ilibagiza, have done a terrible thing. Their immense capacity for forgiveness has made it almost impossible for us to leave unkind people.

If our idols can put up with hardships a thousand times greater than our own, we reckon we should endure our petty personal troubles too.

But that’s not necessarily true. Maturity isn’t just about giving people second chances, it’s also about knowing when to cut someone off.  

Because some individuals are just too thoughtless and selfish to keep around.

The trouble, of course, is that the people who love us are also typically the ones who deeply wound us. It’s this duality that we struggle to make sense of. 

When is their carelessness too much?

Their betrayal shattered our trust and left us broken, but the memories of our laughter and shared dreams linger as bittersweet reminders. Their selfishness and disregard for our feelings left us feeling unseen and unvalued, yet there were times when they showed genuine kindness and affection. Their anger and volatility made us fear for our safety, yet there were moments of intense passion and connection that we can’t forget.

It’s easy to leave a monster. There’s nothing redeemable about them.

But if the good is mixed in with the bad, we can easily feel that cutting them off is too ruthless. Perhaps we’re exaggerating. Or maybe they’ll change if we keep them around, after all, they’ve been good to us sometimes

The trouble with this way of thinking is that nobody is ever wholly bad. Even the most dangerous people are capable of being nice every once in a while.

And if we need someone to be a villain for us to feel comfortable leaving them, then we’ll keep every toxic person around that we’ve ever attracted. And that’s not a life we want to live.

If we want a real shot at happiness, we must understand that letting go of someone isn’t a sign of immaturity. In fact, it’s a sign of strength and self respect. Clinging onto an insensitive person out of a sense of loyalty is what’s naive. Not to mention self-destructive.

While people like Martin Luther King Jr and Mother Theresa exemplified forgiveness and compassion, they also understood the importance of protecting oneself and walking away from relationships that cause harm.

Life’s too short to spend with people who can’t reliably be loving.

Sometimes we have the fortune of meeting someone incredible. They’re beautiful, smart, witty, and super curious about us. Plus, the sexual spark is unmistakable. It’s like we’ve hit the jackpot.

But then we run into our first and seemingly unsurmountable obstacle: they live in another part of the world and are heading back soon, with no intention of relocating.

Our first inclination is to exchange numbers, promise to make frequent video calls, and make plans to fly across continents to see each other. But the fact remains that things will be difficult even in a best-case scenario. 

We’ll frequently suffer from loneliness and disconnection from our new flame. We’ll grow jealous and insecure when we see Instagram stories of them going out. And we’ll often worry if the future will ever bring us closer together.

The drawbacks of a long-distance relationship are significant. But the consequences of letting go of our new lover feel even greater.

Where does that leave us? How do we know if it’s better to try and make things work from a distance or give them up?

By paying attention to what matters. 

Chemistry alone isn’t what makes a perfect match. We also need to pay great attention to compatibility. 

When someone is attractive, witty, and easy to talk to, it’s natural to feel fireworks. But this superficial connection doesn’t necessarily mean they’re right for us. To find out if we’re compatible, we need to dig deeper.

Because easy conversation and good sex aren’t a strong enough foundation for a loving relationship. So what communicates they’re a good teammate?

• Their values. If we have wildly different opinions about matters like the environment, politics, personal responsibility, equality, family, love, and religion, we’ll eventually be repulsed by their differences.
• Their lifestyle. Although partners don’t have to do everything together, it’s important that we have enough in common and that we can respect and tolerate the ways they’re different. If their idea of a good time is to stay out late at clubs and parties, while we like to wake up early to jog and meditate, it’s going to put a big strain on our relationship.
• Their personality. It’s not open for debate, a good teammate is someone who’s kind, compassionate, understanding, and open to correction. Not just because they want to please us or others, but because it’s the only way they can live with themselves.
• Their goals. If they’re focused on their career and are often working long hours at the office, while we prefer to spend more time with family and loved ones, it will take a toll on us. To stay together, we need to head in the same direction.

Chemistry shouldn’t be what motivates us to start a serious relationship, no matter how much we like them. It’ll only make it more painful to give up when we inevitably realise that companionship isn’t going to work. 

If our remote sweetheart is special to us, we’d be wise to discuss our compatibility before committing to anything long-term.

How to sustain a loving relationship isn’t a secret, it’s just hard. The next entries will reveal if the two of you have got what it takes.

1. You have sexual chemistry. Although your desires aren’t identical, you both feel safe exploring your sexual feelings and fantasies together without judgment.
2. You see each other’s imperfections. And accept the other person’s unfortunate quirks and irrational behaviours as part of their humanity.
3. You feel grateful. Being truly cared for by someone who regularly endures our darkness is an act of heroism.
4. You correct your errors. You both readily apologize for mistakes, leading to forgiveness and moving on without holding grudges.
5. You can joke with each other. You maintain a playful attitude in even the most toughest times and can tease each other without doing any damage.
6. You don’t shy away from negativity. You allow space for occasional anger or disappointment, understanding that suppressing feelings is far more harmful to the success of your relationship.
7. You start sentences with ‘I’. You communicate your feelings and perspectives without slinging unhelpful labels and judgments at your partner.
8. You’re strategic instead of brutally honest. You understand that not all truths need to be shared if they’re hurtful and unnecessary.
9. You’re emotionally aware. You recognise that anger often stems from fear or disappointment and try to approach conflicts with vulnerability rather than rage.
10. You have realistic expectations. You know relationships are hard work and don’t romanticize them as effortless.
11. You don’t see neediness as a flaw. It’s understood that human beings are social creatures with strong emotional needs. That’s why you both feel comfortable expressing your desires for closeness, attention, and support without fear of judgment or rejection.
12. You’re familiar with attachment styles and your past. By understanding how your past experiences influence your behaviour, you can identify and communicate your needs and feelings more clearly and resolve conflicts more efficiently.
13. You value the small things. You know that clearing up the dishes in the sink, bringing home their favorite snack, setting time aside to talk, and thanking your partner for the things they do are anything but small.
14. You stay curious about each other. You never forget to show interest in each other’s thoughts and feelings, because you know they’re not the same person as when you met them.
15. You don’t make assumptions. You discuss the actions of your partner that hurt you instead of assuming malicious intent and address these issues as quickly as possible.
16. You’re open to growth. You recognise that there’s no such thing as unconditional romantic love and you do your best to take on your partner’s feedback.
17. You don’t see each other as saviors. While your partner is hugely important to you, you understand that their love won’t magically fix everything that’s bothering you.
18. You’re open to therapy You see a marriage counselor, not because you’re experiencing major issues, but because you know relationship problems are inevitable and you can use some assistance.