Romanticism has conquered the world, and as a result, almost everyone believes that love is the only right foundation for a relationship. We don’t choose a lover based on something as dry as logic or practicality, we let our instincts recognise our lifelong partner.
When we meet the right person, a profound feeling will simply descend upon us and make everything clear, as though an angel has whispered in our hearts.
Incredibly touching. But in most cases, also extraordinarily disappointing.
When we figure that most people let their intuition guide them in identifying their partner and then tally which couples end up happily staying together, we find that only a bit over half of romantic companions stand behind their union.
That makes our instinct about as meaningful for partner selection as flipping a coin. In other words, our instinct might not be as good of an advisor as we like to think.
And it makes sense. Our instinctive responses have a knack for getting us in trouble. Our hardwiring can make it sound like a good idea to binge watch another episode, compulsively scroll through our phone for new content, or text an ex.
The more we observe our intuition the less it looks like a celestial guide and the more it looks like a buddy who’s had one too many Heinekens.
We, of course, know all this terribly well. But romanticism has convinced us so thoroughly that intense admiration for someone is divine that we don’t question it. Romantic love supersedes all.
To better be able to resist the pull of our romantic ideas, we need to turn to the past. Because for most of history, people didn’t marry for love. We got together so we could better run our household, to build alliances with powerful families, or to get a larger piece of farmland for our sheep. For millennia, spouses didn’t even expect to love each other, that’s what concubines were for.
None of these reasons sound very appealing to our modern ears. But neither does letting our gut feeling dictate who will be the mother or father of our children.
We don’t need to abandon our instincts entirely, we simply need to teach them to be more mature. Just like we don’t let our cravings repeatedly lure us to the cookie jar, we shouldn’t let our impulses guide us to date people who are only cool, sexy and fun.
Just like our diet, our lover needs more substance to be healthy for us. This means resisting the allure of instant chemistry and more focus on long-term compatibility.
By recognising the limits of our intuition, we can build relationships that are not only passionate and fun but also enduring and strong.
P.S. Our gut feeling is actually our brain’s way of rapidly analysing a situation or person based on past experiences and information we’ve absorbed over time. So it’s definitely helpful. But it’s also influenced by our current emotions, past trauma, and subconscious biases that may not be relevant to evaluating long-term compatibility. While intuition can alert us to potential red flags or immediate concerns, it often overlooks deeper, more complex factors—like shared values and communication skills—that let us know someone is relationship material. In the long run, relying solely on gut feelings can lead us to overlook the practical aspects that are essential for building a stable and lasting relationship.