Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Ask, Don’t Tell

We’re not very good at evaluating ourselves.

We tend to think of ourselves as better than we are and are quick to accept intuitive answers as truth.

But intuition is simply recognition of the familiar in a new situation.

And it is not always correct.

Because even if your mind does not have the right answer, it tries to give one anyway.

Which is how we get personal truths of how things work.

When someone has a personal truth, it is likely they followed their intuition to get it.

And now uses logic to defend it.

If you value knowledge, you might feel like correcting their outlook through a logical debate.

(Please note, everyone is free to have and act upon their own truths, provided they aren’t in a position of power. Believing there is no global warming doesn’t harm anyone, unless you run for office.)

But debating is a game of rhetorics—whoever sounds most convincing wins—and has little to do with knowledge.

If you truly want to change someone’s truth for the better, it is best to ask them a question rather than tell them how it is.

Consider asking them what they would need to see to disprove their truth.

If they are receptive, and it is within reason, help them find it.

If they aren’t receptive, leave.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach