Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

How To Revive Love When It Goes Cold

Our society is absolutely mad about romantic love. It often comes very fast and bypasses all reason. We may barely know them, but once we experience that special feeling and know we’re in love, we don’t take it as a coincidence.

No. It’s too miraculous for that. Instead, we trust that all our hardships and unhappy days are over. 

We’ve found the One.

That’s why it’s all the more confusing when we go cold. Although we started off full of affection and excitement, our feelings toward our special person have somehow faded.

All the daily phone calls we once made to our beloved about nothing in particular, because we never felt so connected and understood by someone before? Thrown to the wayside.

Now we text to ask who’s cooking dinner. We call to say not to forget to buy milk at the supermarket. And we check our phones while they’re sharing about their day.

We just don’t really care that much anymore.

Why?

It’s not the explanation that we find so generously spread across the internet. Where kind but ultimately uninformed people claim it’s similar to why we don’t care if our expensive smartphone gets another scratch or why we kick our once favorite shoes far into the closet, in other words, familiarity.

An answer that’s closer to the truth than being well acquainted with something is more dark and yet hopeful.

The coldness we harbour towards our partner often comes from bitterness. Hurt and scared feelings we haven’t adequately expressed or even noticed.

We’re not bored, but numb, confused, and irritable.

And that’s strangely easier to fix than boredom. We just have to make a commitment to pay close attention to our feelings and share when we’re upset. Without pretending we’re more nice or less jealous than we really are.

It’s fair to feel hurt when they aren’t concerned enough about the weird mark on our neck, when they don’t pay enough attention to our story, or when they stay in front of the TV instead of joining us in bed for a cuddle.

Naturally, we don’t want to call out each hiccup. We need some level of tolerance to let the smaller infractions go, or else we run the risk of driving our partner completely mad. 

And we mustn’t forget that humans are pretty messy creatures. We’re all twisted and bent, with extremely dark corners. So we have to be responsible. We can’t saddle up our companion with all our burdens.

So when should we speak up? When our partner blindsides us or when they systematically bruise us.

Three strikes demand a conversation. No matter how small the misdeeds might seem individually. 

But we mustn’t point fingers. It’s not about assessing blame. Because whether it’s their mistake or our sensitivity, the problem will persist if it’s not addressed. Sure, it’s convenient when we’re not the ones who have to adjust our behaviour. But if we’re a good teammate, we’ll be supporting them to bring about the change anyway.

The goal is to create a space to safely discuss matters of the heart, no matter how ridiculous or childish they might seem, and agree on what happened. Then we can negotiate on what we want to see in the future.

Otherwise, we’ll get bruised by the same thing 1,000 times over and slowly bury the love for our partner with our hurt.

We don’t go off our partner because we grow familiar and bored with them, but because we’re so furious with our sweetheart that we can no longer feel our love for them.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach