Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Are Flirting And Candor Opposites?

A big reason why so many people get rejected after a first date is a lack of chemistry. It just didn’t feel right. But what does that mean? What exactly was too much or too little?

Occasionally, physical attraction is the deciding factor. But even looking smoking hot isn’t always enough to get an excited message after the first date.

So what typically is the seduction killer?

Therapeutic communication.

Curiosity, attentiveness, and empathy are all incredibly attractive traits to have in a partner. So they are important to posess. But asking deep questions, actively listening, and offering support are all fiercely anti-seductive.

Being a good partner isn’t sexy. Displaying ‘maybe’ is.

If you want to seduce someone, you need to mix genuine interest with playful disinterest.

Suppose you’re bonding over a shared interest in video games with your date. And ten minutes into the conversation, they go, “So cool that you’re into video games. Shame we can’t ever play though…” And a moment later, they say with a twinkle in their eye, “I don’t want to make you cry when I beat you.”

It sounds childish. But that little interaction is what creates fireworks. Because even though they’ve expressed interest in you, now you feel as though you might have not completely won the other person over. 

And that shred of doubt makes us value them more highly. In part, since we’ve failed to convince them we’re amazing. Our commonalities and shared laughter clearly weren’t enough to seal the deal. 

But there’s another reason why being teased makes us more attracted to someone.

It makes us recognise them as a unique person who can do both. They can be both kind and playful. Both relatable and cheeky. 

And that’s a rare and irresistible combination.

So after the date is over, you’ll go home and think to yourself, “Someone funny and caring is interested in me. And if I play my cards right, we might become an item. How exciting!”

Long story short, flirting and candor are at not at odds with each other. Honesty, kindness and curiosity should form the meat and potatoes of your date, and your playful banter the seasoning.

To make someone crave more of you, throw in a lot of the first and sprinkle in some of the other.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach