Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Why You’ve Got Love All Wrong

Our modern culture has a warped concept of love. We tend to think it has to do with adoration, admiration and kinship. That’s why the targets of our affection are typically Nobel prize winners, Olympic athletes, celebrities, CEOs of billion-dollar companies, and our dearest friends and companions.

In other words, people who have earned our attention and kindness with their excellence.

But this narrow view of love does a tremendous amount of harm. It leaves out too many. In particular, the losers. The poor, the drunks, the dumb, the moochers, the ugly, the clumsy, and the whores and gigolos.

They may not be living lives significant enough to be preserved in our history books. But does that mean they don’t deserve love?

Seeing love as a reward for good behaviour isn’t just childish. It’s hypocritical. 

We’re all terrible. There’s not a single adult on this planet who isn’t. 

Even though we might not be monsters, we’ve all hurt people and done things that made us undeserving of love. But that never stopped us from needing it in return. In fact, our greatest failures probably made us want more tenderness and warmth than ever before.

The people at the bottom need our love the most, not the favorites. 

Yet we typically don’t give the outcasts our generosity because we believe they reaped what they sowed. We reckon the homeless person is facing the consequences of her calculated actions, rather than bearing the brunt of cataclysmic misfortune. 

Suppose you can’t shake the idea that justice and fairness govern all. And that love really is all about admiring the intelligent, strong, and beautiful. The alleged ‘worthy’.

Then that still doesn’t explain why we feel so comfortable condemning the misfits. The losers are arguably fighting to overcome greater obstacles than some of the richest and most successful people have conquered to achieve notoriety. 

It doesn’t get much harder than going through heartrending grief, addiction, poverty, and imprisonment by yourself. And make no mistake, they certainly are on their journey by themselves.

No one is patting the stinky wino on the back for being sober for 20 days. And he sure as shit isn’t getting complimentary 5-star meals, promo deals or fanmail.

Isn’t that worthy of praise?

Love is more than a gift for the select few who’ve touched your heart. Love is a gift for anyone going through the agony of being a human. 

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach