Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Believing In Soulmates Is Dangerous

Believing there’s someone out there who’s made for you sounds romantic. But it really isn’t. In fact, it’s the opposite.

If you strongly believe your ideal partner is waiting for you somewhere, you actually become far less loving.

Did the cute stranger not completely bowl you over during your first date? Then you probably won’t be curious about what things could be like on date two or three.

Instead, you’ll say your goodbyes and move on.

By believing in a soulmate, you’ll only be prepared to invest in someone who’s convinced you that they’re perfect for you.

That’s not romantic, that’s lazy.

Think about it. 

The one time you’re prepared to put in any effort in someone is when they show that you can have it exactly your way.

And if you can’t have it your way?

You turn them down.

That’s not being romantic. Looking for how someone isn’t right for you on day one is being a jackass.

This obviously doesn’t mean that you have to toss all your expectations of the ideal partner in the bin. 

You can, and should, have expectations.

They should be compassionate, kind, caring, show up when you need them, be able to argue with the intent of solving problems rather than creating them, and be good communicators. 

You know, basic partner 101. 

And then there are no doubt a few personal must-haves that you need to feel loved.

But unless you’re a freak of nature who’s somehow different from 99% of all other humans on the planet, what you want from a partner is probably about the same as everybody else.

And although these emotionally mature people aren’t everywhere, they’re not exactly impossible to find either.

So where does it go wrong for so many of us?

The answer is two-fold.

Firstly, we can’t recognise a good teammate when we find one, because we’re too busy looking for flaws that don’t even matter.

Secondly, we’re so focused on looking for compatibility at the start that we forgot to consider how good we could be for each other in a while.

It’s unlikely that anyone will be perfect for you from the get-go.

But if you’re both relationship material and choose to love each other, you can become perfect for each other.

And much of that comes from how we fall in love, we love what we put our energy into. 

If you take pride in your work, you’ll love your work.
If you adopt and raise a puppy, you’ll love that puppy.
And if you cherish and support a person, you’ll love that person.

The universe doesn’t create soulmates, you do.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach