Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Chemistry Shouldn’t Be The Foundation Of Your Relationship

Our society has a cheap idea of love. We tend to think it’s the rush of excitement we feel when we get a new message from our crush, the butterflies in our stomach right before a date with our special person, or the shivers down our spine when our beloved runs their hands over our body.

Although certainly pleasant, these feelings describe a shallow view of love. They are the orgasms of romance. And we fixate on them because these waves of emotion make us feel good.

But unlike any other emotional high, we place romantic feelings at the top of our priority list. Often even making it the very purpose of our lives. 

But it’s simply a burst of bliss. Not something we want to spend most of our time chasing or building a relationship around.

And yet we do it all the time, thinking it’s a wonderful idea that’ll give us fulfilment. 

Whereas in actuality, it’s not much different than a drunk looking to extend their buzz by knocking back another bottle. 

Romantic euphoria is a fleeting emotional state. And it’s unwise to try and make it a constant fixture. Every relationship should, of course, have moments of rapturous delight. But it’s not as important as many of us believe it to be.

Someone’s ability to sweep us off our feet with their wit, charm and good looks plays a relatively small part in the grand scheme of a relationship. Yes, it’s enough to motivate us to be loving when we’re in the grips of passion.

But what happens when we’re no longer swept up in romantic fervor?

Relying on our romantic impulses to guide us through difficult or even boring, everyday times is a terrible strategy. Our lack of rapture will almost certainly push our relationship to the brink.

Instead of counting on our natural devotion to do the loving for us, we should grow our capacity for kindness and compassion and choose to love intentionally. 

If we understood love properly, we wouldn’t confuse it with admiration or addiction, but with our ability to wonder what’s going on with our partner, no matter how angry, annoying, or misguided they might be behaving.

Loving people know that warmth and affection aren’t rewards for chemistry, but that they’re catalysts for creating compatibility. 

So if we’re seeking a life-long companion, we should reject the person who’s looking to fall in love with an amazing person. And search for the person who’s ready to understand and team up with a kind-hearted but imperfect goofball. 

That’s what real love is about, in all its imperfect glory.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach