Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

What To Do If Your Ex Reaches Out

Unless we decided to remain friends, a break up typically ends with cutting off all contact. So when an ex breaks the silence without an explanation it can be confusing what to do.

But it shouldn’t confuse us at all.

Even when their message says they miss us, love us, or even desire to be with us more than any other person in the world. 


Because none of that information solves the problems that broke us up. No good relationship falls apart due to a lack of passion. It almost always collapses thanks to a lack of love: an inability or refusal to care, communicate, understand, and resolve conflicts. 

Unless they express a clear desire to change in the ways we need them to, our ex-partner’s sadness or longing is of absolutely no concern to us. And even then their attention shouldn’t climb to the top of our priority list. After all, change is hard.

So if our ex reaches out without being ready to deliver what we want, we shouldn’t care. We should be looking for growth, not ambiguous words designed to sow doubt or stroke our ego.

And even then we shouldn’t hold our breath.

We should simply go on as usual, knowing that our relationship didn’t fail but gave us what it could and has almost certainly been completed.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach