Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Coming Back Stronger After A Breakup

A breakup is difficult enough. But it’s exponentially worse when your ex finds someone else and gives all the things they couldn’t give to you to their new partner.

Perhaps your ex didn’t want to have kids and get married. But then, 12 months after your split, a mutual friend tells you they’re engaged to someone else and expecting.

That’s devastating. It proves that they’re more than capable of giving the type of love you were after. They’re not broken. They’re just not willing to give that level of affection to you.

It doesn’t get much more brutal than that.

So how do you bounce back when your ex annihilates your self-esteem?

You look to gain your self-esteem from somewhere else.

If the actions of a former partner can still wreak havoc on your confidence, it means your self-esteem depends on them. An external source.

That’s why your gut reaction to your former lover’s betrayal might be to get back at them. Make them jealous by… getting in the best shape of your life, sleeping with sexy strangers, entering a rebound relationship, or taking time off to travel the world so you can create cool Instagram stories.

These are all ways to bolster your damaged ego. To show that you’re fine even though you’re completely in shambles.

Using revenge as fuel to make positive life choices isn’t all bad. Especially if you’re also acting in line with your own ambitions. But your desire for reprisal is stopping you from becoming stronger.

If you distract yourself with vengeance, you won’t learn. So when you eventually enter a new relationship, your self-worth will rise and fall based on your partner’s validation, just like last time. 

Do they not treat you the way you want? Then you might end up where you are now. Feeling worthless.

That’s why you want to see your heartbreak as an invitation to evolve. If you grow up, you won’t end up in this dark place again and feel like a zero.

How do you change for the better?

By connecting your self-worth to things within your control. Things that you can be proud of. 

Perhaps it’s as simple as cooking yourself a nice meal, writing a loving card for a friend, inviting a neighbour for dinner, picking up trash in the local park, or taking the time to read that book that you bought over a year ago. 

Heck, isn’t it already impressive that you can push on when the person you thought you were going to spend your life with is about to marry someone else? Sounds pretty remarkable to me.

Once you become proud of yourself, you start caring less about what others think of you.

Not only will that make the mistreatment from others far easier to deal with. It’ll make you a more attractive person. Someone who doesn’t always compare themselves to others and who doesn’t live and breathe for our approval is wildly seductive. 

So don’t waste your pain. Use it to grow stronger and more beautiful.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach