Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Embrace Roleplaying

You don’t know who you are and you never have, you are simply goal oriented.

Have you noticed when you reach your goal—or are prevented from reaching it—without setting a new one, you lose a sense of your identity?

But that is nothing to worry about.

Better yet, it is reason for celebration.

Because now you are are closer to what you truly are than your self image could ever be.

You are a source of action evolved to guide yourself.

And you are quite adaptable.

While there are limits to your adaptability—mostly decided by genetics, but also your environment—you are likely more adaptable than you give yourself credit for.

Consider clay.

Clay is a very fine rock or soil material which is extremely pliable. And it too has limits. Depending on the materials a particular glob of clay is made of—genetics, if you will—and the effect of environmental factors, such as water and heat, it has a different level of pliability.

You work in a similar way.

Meaning that you are not the goals you set for yourself, or the role that chases them. Using our clay analogy, those goals and roles are the molded version of yourself. A version that you helped create.

Left to itself, clay stays relatively soft. But a potter who likes the shape of his clay sculpture puts it inside a kiln until it hardens.

We don’t sit inside kilns, but we do like to take ourselves very seriously. By which we are effectively hardening ourselves. Seriousness cements your identity and destroys adaptability.

But a potter who doesn’t like his clay creation, adds water and tries again.

Similarly, if you don’t like yourself, laugh it off and shape your identity however you like.

Play the potter, not the clay.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach