Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

How To Recover From A Fight

You can’t be close to someone without giving up some of your independence. That’s why the people we love most can both lift us to great heights and take the ground out from underneath us. 

If your connection is safe, you can easily overcome moments of hurt and overwhelm. 

But when you feel unsafe with your person, difficult times can destroy everything.

So how do you navigate troubling circumstances with your loved ones when you already feel like they aren’t adequately invested in your happiness?

By understanding your responses.

When we don’t feel cared for by someone and get into another fight that threatens the relationship, we tend to react in predictable ways.

The Blame Game is the easiest to recognise. And we play it all the time.

What do we do if someone we’re annoyed with steps on us? We warn them to watch it or hurt them right back, while skilfully forgetting that our reaction is just as bad as what they did to us.

And unless we’re aware of what’s going on, we’ll just go back and forth jabbing at each other, round for round, and slowly erode the love we feel for our person.

The trick to getting out of attack mode is to realise what the problem is.

The issue isn’t the dirty dishes in the sink, it’s that one or perhaps both of you are in desperate need of emotional connection and intimacy.

Maybe the day bruised one of you emotionally or your relationship has felt a little rocky lately. So now you want to feel seen, loved, or needed.

Depending on your sex, culture, and background, you may think that emotional connection is something for kids. 

But that’s some individualist dog shit. 

We need deep emotional bonds with people to help us through life’s ups and downs

If our world comes tumbling down and we have no one to hold us tight, we’re going to end up in a very dark, sad, and lonely place.

I strongly believe that loving attention is just as essential to our health as food and sleep.

So if you and your loved one are getting into it, and you realise what’s going on, you can stop arguing and ask if there’s anything you can do to make them feel better. 

And that’s easier said than done.

Especially when you’re being badmouthed, berated, and belittled. 

But if there’s still some love left between the two of you, then you still have a chance of returning to safety and potentially creating a stronger bond.

Whatever you do in one of your scuffles, just be careful not to push the other person away too hard. Because once you both feel it’s too risky or scary to reach out, let alone ask for what you really need, no one will be talking.

And without communication, it’s impossible to maintain the connection. Once that emotional link withers away, so will your loving relationship.

So remember the next time you’re having a fight, that it’s not about the argument. What’s actually at stake is the emotional connection with your loved one.

Are you still making them feel like you have their back? Perhaps it’s time for some reassurance.

Don’t underestimate the human need for security and closeness.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach