Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Showing Interest Without Scaring Them Away

‘Invest in them how much they invest in you.’ Incredibly powerful advice for dating and making new friends. But also hugely lacking.

If you only mirror without doing anything else, no one makes a move. 

“You never call me, so I won’t either.” “You waited three days to text me back, so I’ll make you wait three days too.” “I was the last one to check in and I’m not going to go first again.”

It’s become a standstill.

Now you have no clue how the other person feels about you. Plus, you’re probably interpreting their behaviour as a lack of interest and are wondering what happened.

A question you’ll never answer with certainty.

A far more fruitful question to ask yourself is: 

What would things be like if I was courageous enough to give them the love and attention that I would have wanted to receive from them?

It’s very possible they would have followed your lead. But because you were so concerned about being cool and pretending like you didn’t care, the sparks of attraction are petering out.

That’s why it’s so important to put aside your ego and make things happen. To ask questions, show interest, and be vulnerable. 

It’s exciting for them. And it lets you know where they’re at.


I know what you’re thinking. Does being so keen and fired up not seem desperate and scare them off?

Only if you’re too fired up.

You want enough warmth and excitement to open the door for them. And enough chill to notice when someone is not looking to come in.

Do they repeatedly fail to return your energy and good vibes? Stop giving it to them. They clearly can’t deliver and meet your standards of affection. 

Which instantly makes them less interesting to have as your friend or partner.

Be brave enough to take the lead and proud enough to step back when they don’t reciprocate. If they mistake your warmth and kindness for desperation, it’s their loss, not yours.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach