Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Stop Playing Hard To Get

When we meet someone we like, it’s natural to want to spend more time with them. And if it isn’t your first rodeo (which is still a ridiculously low amount of rodeos by the way), you know to resist those impulses.

Because what happens when you show too much interest too fast? You risk scaring them off. 

After all, really liking someone you barely knows shows poor judgement. Plus, it suggests you don’t have much else going on for you.

Hardly attractive.

So how do you make yourself desirable to the person you’re into without showing interest?

Well, you undoubtedly guessed it, playing hard to get! Withhold your attention to make yourself more alluring.

There’s just one teensy tiny problem. 

It doesn’t work. Unless you’re into people who mistake a lack of interest as a sign you’re good relationship material. 

Do you really want to be with someone who chases you harder when you treat them with indifference? Call me crazy, but I don’t get excited by low self esteem.

If you’re looking for someone who can lift you up, playing hard to get is NOT the way to go. The real solution is far less gimmicky:

Learn to love life and hold onto what’s important to you.

Now you’re moving to your own rhythm, rather than theirs. 

Does your crush ask you out on a day that you’re available? Then you tell them that you’d love to! Are you planning to go salsa dancing? Then you reply that you’d love to but can’t and are down to see them next week.

Notice how my imaginary version of you is being warm and honest in both scenarios. No games required.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. And your assumption is correct. Because I’m suggesting you to be available whenever you’re available. 

And if that makes you over-available, you need to start making some serious changes to your life.

A person who loves life has lots of stuff going on. They don’t have huge chunks of time to spend on texting, calling and hanging out with their new heartthrob. They’re busy seeing friends, taking dance classes, upgrading their work skills, making plans for the future, enjoying a soak in the tub, hanging up the washing, doting their pets, and taking care of themselves.

Getting someone to value you has nothing to do with being hard to get.

It’s about being someone who has a zillion better things to do than to wait for a sexy stranger to text them. And none of these things have to be Instagram worthy. It can be as simple as sitting down with a good book and a glass of vino.

What matters is that you find the activity important and enriching.

When you approach dating this way, anyone who comes knocking on your door instantly recognises that you dance to your own tune.

And that’s incredibly seductive. It shows that you feel yourself to be good enough just as you are. And it conveys that you value the life that you’ve built for yourself over the past years and decades more than some lady or dude that you just met.

Exactly how it should be.

Another bonus that comes from doing the things you love is contentment. If you’re already having a good time by yourself, you’re comfortable dating at a slower pace.

So do you want your love interests to respect and value you?

Then create a life for yourself that you can enjoy without a romantic partner. And then stay focused on enjoying that life until they prove they’re worth more of your time.

Playing games is for suckers.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach