Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

The Best Way To Attract A Mate

Everyone wants to be desired. Yet we tend to be turned off by people who like us too much too quickly, even if they’re amazing.

That’s why so many of us it play it cool when we like someone. We don’t want to disgust our crush by being too interested.

So we feign indifference. 

We hold back our compliments, slow down the speed of our text messages, and pretend not to be particularly excited about seeing them again.

To get them to care about us, we figure we have to fake not caring about them.

But that’s a terrible dating strategy.

Not only does playing charades cost us a lot of time, but our disinterest may actually break down the connection we’ve tried so hard to build up. 

Perhaps even worse is when we successfully bait our beloved into chasing us. Their attention might feel like a success at first. But it’s a hollow victory.

Because as we’d later find out, it wasn’t us who they were running after. They were simply in hot pursuit of the validation that we were dangling in front of them. And once we gave that away, we lost their interest too. 

In other words, playing hard to get creates excitement around the chase, not us. 

So what’s the better way of winning someone over? 

Showing interest and excitement without suggesting that we’re obsessed with them. After all, it’s the obsessive, needy side of us that turns our paramour off. It suggests we need help and that they’re our only relief.

To effectively seduce someone, we have to strike a good balance between independence and attachment.

How do you best do that? By having boundaries.

An emotionally mature and independent person feels comfortable building bonds with others because they can take care of themselves. They both know how to express what they want from us and how to walk away when we don’t deliver.

Since they only stay interested for as long as we treat them right, expressing desire is easy for them.

That mixture of honesty and autonomy is incredibly attractive. Not only do they have a genuine capacity for closeness, but they’re also a strong individual who can thrive on their own. 

And that’s what makes a great partner.

When attracting a mate, it’s perfectly fine to suggest we want to get closer to them, as long as we also show we’re ready to do something else that better fits our needs.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach