Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

The Thing That’s Keeping You Single

You meet someone fun. You go out and feel a spark. And now you’re hooked and treating their every text and action like it’s something hugely important.

Put simply, you’re completely sold on the other person. Even though you barely know them, you think they’re incredible and a great fit for you. But really, you’re just projecting your image of a great partner on a complete stranger.

Giving your heart to a vague acquaintance isn’t even the worst of it. What’s worse is that the person you like so much can feel that you’re putting them on a pedestal. And that’s obviously a huge turnoff.

Sure, people enjoy being liked and admired. But only for things that we’ve actually deserved. 

If the person you’re into hasn’t done anything to earn your adoration, they’ll come to feel that it’s not particularly worth having. After all, they’ve done nothing to earn it. So they reckon you give your love and attention to anybody who shows an inkling of interest in you.

And that’s a little creepy. So they pull away.

How can you turn this around and actually attract the people you like?

By keeping your excitement in check. Focus only on what they’ve shown you and leave the fantasies and storytelling for the M. Night Shyamalan’s of the world.

A great first date is no reason to celebrate and pop the champagne. It’s just a great first date. A good time. Nothing more, nothing less.

Spending one, two, three, or even four fun evenings together doesn’t mean that you’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You’ve barely scratched the surface of who they are.

All you know is that they’re fun, charming, and sexy. Not exactly the building blocks of a healthy and loving relationship.

Did your whimsical heartthrob just send you a text? By all means, enjoy the butterflies fluttering in your chest. Enjoy it to the fullest. But once you’ve replied, put your phone away and go on with your day.

This doesn’t mean being cold and heartless. It just means that the phenomenal life you’ve worked on for decades takes priority over some bewitching person you just met the other day.

That’s not callous, that’s common sense.

The more the other person invests in your life, the more time and attention you can take away from your own life and give to them. But until they do, your life takes precedence.  

And because you’re putting your life first, you’ll automatically give your new flame just the right amount of attention to keep them interested and wanting more. 

Voilà.

You now know the basics of building a relationship in a healthy and organic way. Good luck.

P.S. Do you consistently fall in love with people you barely know? Then you want to ask yourself why you’re so quick to give your heart away. Are you not satisfied with the life you have? What’s missing? Do you have no passions to pursue? Do you need the validation of others to feel good about yourself? It’s important to know.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach