We all long to express our uncensored selves. That’s why “Just be yourself” is the most famous dating advice. Because if our lover doesn’t like who we really are, popular thought suggests they’re not right for us.
And our praise for speaking our minds doesn’t just stop at romance. It’s often regarded as a virtue that all humans should strive for.
But honesty isn’t inherently noble. In fact, it can be rather mean.
It hurts Daddy to hear his 5-year-old say that he wishes Mommy was home because Dad’s no fun and has stinky feet. It upsets grandma when her grandchild doesn’t like her freshly baked cookies because she’s already struggling to feel useful to anyone. And it deeply wounds our partner when we reveal that we find their sibling far more attractive.
Rather than being more candid, we’d serve many of our relationships by being more quiet.
It’s rather strange that so many of us feel compelled to share all of our feelings with our loved ones. Especially on occasions when our candour seems to have no other intent than to ruffle feathers.
Why should our fondness for truth telling take priority over protecting someone’s feelings?
Some might argue that full transparency is the foundation of any loving relationship. Admirable as it might be, these people underestimate how fragile our human egos are.
Hearing our partner say they dislike our taste in music or that their ex was better in bed than us doesn’t automatically mean they stopped loving us. But it can easily feel that way.
Depending on our current mood, having our partner reject our favorite song might feel the same as them rejecting our entire being. After all, if they don’t understand the beauty of what we love, it might mean they don’t understand us at all.
So if left unchecked, moments of honesty can wear down the connection between even the most loving couples. And we’ve all felt it.
Looking back on corrosive moments of the past, we can see that spontaneity can do a lot of damage. That’s why we’re better off being strategic. Before we open our mouths, we should consider what we want to say and what we hope to achieve by saying it.
Being authentic shouldn’t revolve around who we are now, but about who we want to become.