Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Authenticity Over Niceness: A Recipe for Stronger Relationships

There’s one moment in dating that’s more important than any other. And that’s when you realise you really like someone. Because that’s when you start to sell yourself out. 

And it usually starts small. Like drinking white wine together even though you prefer red. Or watching a TV show that slowly eats away at your brain cells.

But often, you’ll also compromise on the big things.

Such as prioritising their schedule over your own, hiding your feelings to maintain harmony, sacrificing your hobbies to make more time for them, and allowing them to treat you in ways that no one else could get away with. 

All because you want to make them feel as comfortable as possible. And not give them a reason to dislike and leave you.

But expressing your wants and needs isn’t necessarily icky and high-maintenance. In fact, if done well, you’ll actually become more attractive. 

Why?

It shows you respect yourself. Not only are you communicating that you deserve to be treated a certain way, you’re also saying that you care about being in a good relationship. Dating someone sexy who you have chemistry with clearly isn’t enough for you. 

That’s incredibly seductive. 

Rather than being agreeable and meek, you’re risking arguments because you believe you’re worthy. You see your own value. 

And isn’t that what we look for in a partner? Someone who’s confident and high value?

Sadly, many of us find it too difficult to stay true to ourselves and to jeopardise an important relationship by saying ‘no’. 

In these cases, the butterflies in our stomachs have made us lose sight of our original objective: to find true love. Instead of love, we’re now looking for our heartthrob’s validation. We just want to win them over and keep them happy. 

But where does that kind of behaviour lead? 

Will that get you closer to being in a relationship where you’re loved, admired and supported for who you truly are? Or will blending in slowly build up a supersized amount of resentment because you’re tired of being someone you’re not?

Don’t kid yourself. Testing the relationship by expressing your boundaries is the only way to build a deep and strong connection.

Choosing authenticity over being nice is worth the risk.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach