Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

The Most Common Dating Challenges for Men and Women

Women and men have very different issues when it comes to dating. Generally, women don’t struggle to find male companionship. They struggle to find men who want to stick around and build something meaningful. 

Guys have other dating concerns. Primarily, getting noticed. Thanks to social media, Billy Bob from Redneck Ridge is competing for Betty Jo’s attention against oil sheiks, celebrities and Nigerian princes who can buy her anything she wants.

So most men feel invisible.

Although it seems different, both genders are essentially experiencing the same problem: they’re not getting the attention from the right people.

The average woman wants a man who’s ready to commit. The typical man wants a woman who values the internal over the external.

Both of these gender realities are largely true. And also understandable.

Why should a guy who can date and sleep with lots of women settle for one? And why should a woman who can get an attractive and powerful man settle for less?

I agree, it’s shallow to date like this. But it’s basic to what we are. Almost every guy wishes they could go through life for a while as a womanizing James Bond and almost every woman wishes she could go through life for a while as a maneating Marilyn Monroe. 

Some of us obviously never feel this way. And most of us eventually grow out of this superficial, but natural approach to dating.

Suppose that’s you and you’re done with casual relationships. What should you do if you’re looking for something long-term?

Aggressively go after the right things.

The tall, charming, and cool businessman isn’t necessarily a good boyfriend. And the attractive, big-boobed cheerleader isn’t necessarily a good girlfriend.

Your biology might think so. But let’s not forget that your biology also mistakes public speaking for a life-or-death situation. So it might not be the best counsellor for lasting love.

If you want to experience true love, you want to stop selecting mates to impress your tribe and prehistoric brain. And start selecting mates that can make you feel loved, supported and understood. 

I know that kindness, compassion, candor, conflict resolution and clear communication aren’t sexy. But a partner with these traits is what will make you happy.

So stop caring about what doesn’t matter in a relationship. And get curious about what does. 

Does the hot, successful person you’re dating not have the qualities that make for a good partner? Then move on. Don’t give them a second thought. Even if your biology tells you otherwise.

Does the person you’re going on a date with not instantly blow you away? Then try your hardest to see what makes them interesting and impressive. 

You’ve got a large impact on intensifying your feelings of attraction. But you have no impact on changing an attractive person who doesn’t want to commit to you.

So do yourself a favour and go after what matters. It’ll make dating much easier.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach