Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

Moving On From A Bad Breakup

Being let go by your partner can sometimes be better than sticking together. But the emotional hurt of the breakup often makes that impossible to see.

Especially when you never thought of them as a bad partner.

But if things ended between the two of you, odds are that your person didn’t treat you as well as you deserved. 

After all, a breakup is often long decided before its end is made official.

During these prior months, your former partner was already one foot out of the relationship and probably robbed you of your joy on more than one occasion.

Maybe they stopped giving you affection and dropped the cute pet names, or made extra long hours at the office, flaked on date plans, went through the motions in the bedroom, paid little attention to your extra effort, and spent weekend trips away focused on their phone rather than you.

The weeks leading up to the end end of a relationship often bring us tremendous insecurity, anxiety, stress, and sadness.

But in the wake of the breakup, we can’t see that anymore because we’re so hung up on the fact that it’s actually over. Instead of focusing on how awful we felt in the final stages of the relationship, we tend to fixate on all the good times we’ve had and how we’ll never experience these things with the same person again.

But if you leave out the bad and only focus on the good, you’re telling yourself a false story. A fairy tale.

And losing something as magical as that will obviously only hurt.

That’s why it’s crucial to remember the relationship as it truly was. Along with the pain, you’ll then also feel some relief and excitement for the future.

Remembering the true experience of your relationship doesn’t mean you need to see your ex as a villain. It just means that you recognise and accept how the last chapter of the relationship made you feel.

And being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you makes you feel like shit.

You don’t feel accepted, cared for, seen, or safe. And your happiness and self-esteem are completely at the mercy of their attention. 

Even though the end of the relationship may have you feeling like they are the thing you need most right now, try to remember how it really was.

If the final act with the person you loved didn’t make you happy, then you’re not missing out on anything. 

Cherish what was good, mourn the end, and mark its legacy before moving on.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach