Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach

What To Do If You’re Struggling To Find The Right Partner

Today, meeting people is easier than ever. Even the biggest wuss can swipe right on a dating profile from behind the safety of their phone. So nobody should feel left out and wanting.

And yet, they do.

Despite the plethora of fresh faces we have access to, countless people still struggle to meet the right person.

That’s fascinating.

Because this development of abundance and choice suggests we’ve got the completely wrong idea about romance:

It’s not so much about who’s out there, but far more about what we feel inside.

After all, if you’ve been dating for years with the aim of finding a partner and you haven’t found one, the problem probably doesn’t lie with them, but with you.

You’re likely looking for something that’s not real.

Esther Perel, a brilliant psychotherapist who’s specialised in human relationships, believes it’s a cultural phenomenon. 

In the past, marriage was a practical affair where respect was crucial and love was optional. But Esther has correctly observed that in the 21st century, marriage is for everything. 

We want our partner to make us laugh, to care for us when we’re sick, to cheer us up when we’re sad, to listen to us, to support us, to hug and embrace us, to stimulate us intellectually, to inspire us, to buy us thoughtful gifts, to pick us up from the airport, to be there when we go to sleep and when we wake up, to be interested in us, to be a good provider, to be a good parent, and to be an amazing lover who gives us mindbending orgasms.

This doesn’t sound like fun, this sounds like a job. A job large enough to finance an entire village.

No wonder fewer people are getting married, and more are getting divorced.

Asking so much of your partner simply isn’t fair.

So how do we balance out our need for romantic love and our shopping list of desires?

By realising why we want a partner in the first place.

We want to feel seen and cherished by someone who likes us for who we actually are. Flaws included.

And the only way to keep someone like that around is to be the same type of person to them.

In other words, you have to be kind and loving.

And if you’re a perpetual dater struggling to find someone, one of three things is happening.

You’re searching in the wrong circles. You won the genetic lottery and nobody you date can match what you bring to the table. Or, lastly, you’re probably not as kind and loving as you think you are. 

In fact, you’re probably a bit of a judgemental douche. Who may have already met the perfect partner but didn’t realise it because you thought they were too normal.

Finding the right partner starts with how you look at yourself, not others.

If you’re aware of you’re own shortcomings, you’ll never turn someone down you find attractive without giving them a proper shot. 

Because your familiarity with your own shit, familiarises you with everyone’s shit.

And if you can feel that you’re worthy of love despite your imperfections, you’ll feel that other people with imperfections are worthy of your love.

So if someone attractive but imperfect is into you, go a little easy on them, will ya? Give them a fair chance.

By Jeroen Elsing
Ex-lawyer turned relationship coach